By Gwyneth Consommé
WINNIPEG [Apr. 2005]: Christian rock boy band, The Missionaries, may be no more, but the lads are still going strong. Following a makeover, they’ve re-emerged as the Mud Men, and the contrast is remarkable.
Once they were all sweetness and light, courtesy of a formula that spawned hits such as ‘Say no to drugs’ and ‘Special feelings for everyone’ from 1998’s top selling Lent album. Desmond, Trevor, Craig, Colin, Simon and Bub were sensitive, chaste young men with their melodies aimed squarely at the Sunday School set.
But roll over Jehovah, for now it’s all techno, darkness and dance. Well, not entirely. The romance lingers, as evidenced by their new sound, described on their website as: ‘a bit goth, a bit techno, a bit romantic, so we call it gothnomantic’. Their latest album ingress, egress, undress features songs like ‘I wanna hold your gland’, ‘Pantz off mazurka’, ‘Boy kneads girl’, ‘A Ho for Christmas’, and ‘The singer not the schlong’. Whew, help me Rhonda!
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So what triggered the change? Was it plummeting album sales? Probably. Was it the rumours of infighting, drug abuse and mental illness? Very likely. Or was it the crap songs? Could be. But whatever the catalyst, they have emerged stronger than ever, with a bundle of energy and a positive outlook that suggests a bright future.
Under the guiding influence of their mysterious new manager ‘Doc’ Cooper, things have changed dramatically. But who is this Svengali-like figure hovering in the background? All we know is that Dr L S Cooper was once a child psychologist with the Department of Youth. His biography also includes stints at Masters and Johnson, British Coal and the Kabul Zoo. Now he is managing director of People Ltd, a company that strives for ‘onomatopoeia in word and deed’.
And what of the lads themselves? Well, the original sextet is almost unrecognizable. They are a five-piece for starters, after Simon was killed in a duel - at least, that’s what his estranged wife called it. Then there is the matter of Bub, who is deemed to be ‘not all there’ following a remarkable appetite for drugs.
Desmond sings, Trevor and Colin play 'the machines’, Craig drums, and then there’s the enigmatic Bub. I was granted an interview with Desmond and Craig.
Gwyneth: |
What can you tell me about Doc? While his influence is clearly on display, he remains a complete mystery for the media, and I’m not sure that we understand how he entered the picture. |
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| Desmond: | He’s one of nature’s gentlemen. | |
| Craig: | I’m a bit vague myself. The whole band thing was really going down the toilet when I got a call from Trevor. He said that some guy had introduced himself to Colin at the methadone clinic, offering to bankroll a reformation of the band, as long as certain conditions were met. This included cleaning ourselves up and ditching the Christian theme. This wasn’t such a big deal for me. I was playing wedding gigs and hadn’t hit the drugs as much as the others, so I was cool. But when we met him, it was like “what the?...” A strange dude; a really strange dude. But he had the cash, so he bought himself a band. | |
| Gwyneth: | And what about the new sound? How much of it was his idea? | |
| Craig: | Not much actually. It just kind of happened. Where we’d been, everything that had happened…I dunno, it was like we were just ready for it. | |
| Desmond: | We’d left the playhouse, and entered the castle. Dr Cooper was waiting for us at the foot of the stairs. | |
| Gwyneth: | Uh huh. You use some quaint instruments - shaved fish, triangle, cow bell, finger cymbals, coffee grinder – but they all have one thing in common: they’re all played by Bub, and Bub alone. Without wishing to sound cynical, it does seem like Bub is not integral to the band. | |
| Desmond: | Bub entered a dark tunnel some time ago, and hasn’t re-emerged yet. While he’s not exactly lost, he’s not found either. | |
| Gwyneth: | Er... | |
| Craig: | His brains are fried, man. The drugs, the booze, the chicks…you know what I mean. He hasn’t spoken for months, apart from some mumbling. But he’s always been part of the group, so we’ve found some less challenging roles for him. But having said that, he gets the most fan mail. | |
| Gwyneth: | Really?! | |
| Craig: | Yeah. Even if he’s just wandering around the stage, they love it. Can’t get enough. And they go wild when he gets his kit off. | |
| Gwyneth: | So, he’s kind of a cult figure? | |
| Desmond: | My goodness me, I hope so. | |
| Gwyneth: | Tell me about the theremin. Not only does it feature on many tracks, but you even have dueling theremins in your live set. It’s effectively become the signature instrument of the band. | |
| Desmond: | Marvellous, isn’t it? | |
| Craig: | It’s weird for me, the dueling I mean. But just when I think I’m going mad I look around and see Bub, stark naked and shaving his fish, and then I realise everything’s OK; everything’s going to be alright. Then Des starts his yodeling and I want to join the marines. | |
| Desmond: | Temper! | |
| Gwyneth: | OK. Now, about what happened to Simon… | |
| Desmond: | The interview is now at an end. | |
| Craig: | He’s right you know. Can I offer you a drink? |
And that was the end of that. Desmond abruptly up and left, and while Craig remained polite, it was evident that he was uncomfortable. Clearly, Simon’s death is a sore point for the band. Maybe he will go down as the first victim of Gothnomania.
Reincarnation anyone?