It’s always Showtime! at Bob Fosse Funerals

By Damocles Ng

		BROADWAY [Dec. 2004]: Tired of fare-welling loved ones to the tortured strains of Celine Dion? Had enough of (throwing) Up Where We Belong? Then Bob Fosse Funerals could be for you. It’s always Showtime! at Bob Fosse Funerals. Sure, we need to grieve and show respect for a life well lived, but won’t all that morbid oratory fade into insignificance over time? Same old…same old…same old… So why not invest in a swell send off that everyone will remember, making those future visits to graves or plaques a real day out? As you place your flowers, you might get to thinking: “wow, what a gal!” or “wasn’t he somethin’?!”. Reminiscing crowds might even become the norm.

Think it all sounds a bit weird or tacky? Then ask yourself how traditional ceremonies stack up against any of the Bob Fosse Funeral packages:

The Sweet Charity: the basic grief and respect package, where all attendants are trained tap dancers and possess fine singing voices. Every movement and gesture throughout the service has artistic flare, with critical moments choreographed.

The Chicago: add a chorus line and dance troupe to the mix, performing show tunes from any of Bob Fosse’s big productions. Fancy Roxie Hart delivering the eulogy?

The Cabaret: this package incorporates original show tunes written specifically for the occasion. Your loved one’s life in song - literally cradle to grave.

All That Jazz combo: an extravaganza of movement, sound and sensitivity. A riot of color with fan dancers and cascading waterfalls. Specially constructed trolleys enable the deceased to ‘dance along’ with the ensemble, proving that you are indeed never too old to learn.

With offices in London, Amsterdam, Sydney, and opening soon in Tokyo, Bob Fosse Funerals is reporting growth figures that are making investors sit up and take notice. According to CEO Barry Wittgenstein, unit sales are up 25% globally this year alone. “It’s nice to know that the public is embracing such a quality product, but boy, is it placing a strain on inventory”, says Wittgenstein. “Further, we’re noticing an upsizing phenomenon, where bereaved relatives sign on for a lower cost package, only to seek to upscale once they experience a rehearsal.”

Wittgenstein gave me a tour of ‘Tin Pan Alley’, as they call the rehearsal studios come parlors, where it’s easy to see why relatives reconsider their original choices. While a Sweet Charity funeral is pleasing, imagine a Cabaret rehearsal happening next door! And as for an All That Jazz rehearsal, well, words fail me.

One thing’s for certain: there is no chance of anyone being buried alive at a Bob Fosse Funeral! I think I'll see my lawyer in the morning.