By Henry Saxe-Coburg

EDINBURGH [Jan 2005]: A decent suntan is not only seen as a sign of good health, but is increasingly considered de rigueur for success in the business world. So much so that spray-on tans are now commonplace.

Despite the protestations of the Anti Cancer Council, it appears that more and more white professionals are keen to darken their skin tone, whether through sunlight or spray-on techniques. But surely this begs some questions:

• Is there a limit to how dark you should become?
• If there is no limit, then is it acceptable to look Congolese?
• If there is no limit, then why aren’t Congolese getting the best jobs?
• If there is a limit, does this mean that Turks or Lebanese are more likely to get the best jobs?

In response to such questions, we developed the Tan Test. Our aim was to make sound advice available for those interested in making the colour plunge, but not sure how it might affect their career prospects. The Tan Test involved street surveys conducted in countries where skin colour was not only Caucasian, but predominantly fair. Essentially, this meant northern Europe, North America and Oceania.

The test was designed to be put to Caucasian professionals, with a view to developing a colour algorithm, which could be templated for use by the suntan industry. In practice, alarms would be triggered to warn tanners that they were close to crossing the optimum point, after which redundancy was the more likely outcome. That was the theory anyway. We did not count on what transpired.

The test itself was simple. Caucasian faces were put to the participant, featuring a graduated series of tan shades. They were asked to nominate the point at which race became an issue. The results were tabulated on a regional basis, then country, and finally, a global perspective.

As you can see, the results were confounding, with all the following being considered ‘just right’ by statistically significant numbers of those surveyed:

So what went wrong? To gain insight, regional survey responses were closely re-examined, to determine whether other factors were at work which may have spoiled the samples. And they were: orchestrated sabotage, whether by disaffected radicals or pale-skinned immigrants.

In England, it was established that many participants were of Indian origin. Parsis, those clever Zoroastrians, had acted on insider knowledge to deliberately skew the results. In hindsight, the test should have allowed for this possibility, given that many people are still surprised to learn that Freddie Mercury was a Parsi.

In the United States, the re-emergence of the White Panther movement demonstrated just how bizarre America can be. How the John Sinclair/MC5 ‘message’ still resonates defies all reason. And yet, that is what happened, with urban professionals seeking to ‘kick out the jams’ by turning the tan test into a farce.

But if you think crossing the Atlantic takes you from the sublime to the ridiculous, then try crossing the Pacific. For it was Australians who managed to derail the test without any untoward designs, through an inherent disregard for logic. In a nation where racist attitudes towards dark-skinned indigenous people have been widespread, it is apparently acceptable to desire skin tones that are darker than aborigines. But when such contradictions were pointed out, the frequently heard riposte was: “It’s a free country, mate, I can do what I like!”.

Having learnt from experience, a new tan test is planned. But this time a series of interviewee controls will be built in. Rather than risk sabotage in major western cities, a laboratory environment has been selected. We needed a place where there are almost no minority groups to sabotage the process. A place where white professionals are free to pursue the ideal tan, balancing a healthy appearance with an even healthier career path. That place? - Normal, Illinois.