By Brunnhilde D’Eath
BETHESDA [Sept. 2005]: To the surprise of many, one of the early findings from the Human Genome Project is the existence of 88-TFL, also known as the ‘Prima Donna gene’. Originally thought to be a pseudogene (non-functioning gene) in humans, this has now been disproved. Long known to be active in walruses, howler monkeys and the yellow-rumped warbler, human beings can now be added to the list. Well, not all of us.
88-TFL occurs in only a small percentage of human females, manifesting itself through physical characteristics such as an ample bosom, plump upper arms, and a massive diaphragm. Behavioural traits can also be an indicator, particularly a predisposition to the wearing of Nordic helmets, and a tendency to dramatic overstatement in even the most mundane of daily tasks. As Dr Jona Lewie, of the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute in Hinxton, England explains: “whereas you or I might quietly make a cheese sandwich and then retire to the sofa, this is not possible for 88-TFL females. Even a five year old will approach the task with such histrionics that you’d swear Ethel Merman had taken up residence in your kitchen.”
 |
 |
On the other side of the Atlantic, researchers at the National Human Genome Research Institute in Bethesda, Maryland confirmed the findings, but admitted to being gob-smacked. Director Faye Lumbar, Ph.D., described the entire experience as ‘an emotional roller-coaster’, adding: “there we were, attempting to replicate genetic mutations associated with Toblerone syndrome and the equally frightening Reverse Dyslexia, when 88-TFL appears instead. Frankly, I was miffed, as the Hippocratic Oath expects that you tend to the sick before identifying future divas. But every cloud has a silver lining, and it wasn’t long before opera companies were falling over each other for a piece of the action. That meant big bucks for research. And my seats at the Metropolitan are very nice too.”
On the other side of the other side of the Atlantic, drag queens have poured scorn on the very idea that only biological women can possess the ‘Prima Donna gene’. Leading the attack were the very lovely Jemima Hoo-hah and Connie Frankincense, who declared: “who cares what Human Garden Gnomes think anyway?” Talking over the top of each other and pouting in an inelegant manner, these worthy ladies made their feelings known: “we’re livid; there’ll be a float covered in evil garden gnomes in the next mardi gras parade”, they hissed, “and some fat tarts in white lab coats for good measure.”
Other players are also lining up to incorporate 88-TFL into their procedures: insurance companies are reassessing their actuarial tables, and celebrity pediatricians are revising their ‘how to raise baby’ bestsellers as fast as they can. And what of parents? With DNA samples from infant females now able to reveal the presence of 88-TFL, parents need to prepare themselves for what is to come. For if there’s one thing you can say about the Prima Donna gene: they’re out there, baby, and loving every minute of it!
