They used to kiss babies…

By Robert d’Alpuget

		CANBERRA [Dec. 2004]: So, politicians are now granting themselves the ‘right’ to contact constituents via whatever electronic means takes their fancy. Saints preserve us - it’s enough to drive a man to drink. When will these knuckleheads realise that their only redeeming feature is ignoring us unless an election is in the offing? Or at least it used to be. Now it seems that we are to be rudely interrupted by some creepy character through text messages or email whenever they feel fit.

What is the public interest here? We all know when Christmas is coming, and prefer that our birthdays remain the province of a select few. So why on earth would anyone want their local politician to chime in? Why would anyone want to feel violently ill on such special occasions?

Perhaps the term political party confuses these cardboard Lotharios. There is no connection with birthday parties or weddings, unless these purveyors of human suffering do not know how to use a thesaurus.

Yet complaining only exacerbates the problem, as then you end up on their secret databases, under headings like: ‘serial complainers’ or ‘Tourette’s’. So what is one to do?

Unfortunately, electoral laws are framed by these puffer fish with their own interests at heart, and there’s always total agreement between incumbent governments and their opposition when the gravy train pulls into the station. Therefore, one has to be careful about giving advice in these matters. So, all I can suggest is that you behave like young Thomson’s gazelles in the Serengeti: lie low, keep very still, and don’t make a sound. Then they’ll probably leave you alone.

Nature will ultimately triumph though. I hear tell that predators, sorry, politicians from subversive organisations intend to drive western leaders’ bananas by utilising the same techniques. Evidently, Polisario and ETA have been sending cheery festive messages to key players in Whitehall and the Bundestag. Also, I understand that Shining Path guerillas have been sending birthday wishes to Capitol Hill and the Japanese Diet, while Canberra parliamentarians were surprised to receive Father’s Day wishes from the PLO.

So, while the big carnivores text-tear each other to the pieces, the young gazelles can safely creep away, back to the anonymous bliss of life in the herd.