Bin Laden fails the cola test

By Luigi Nakayama

AFGHANISTAN [Nov. 2004]: Shockwaves rippled through the Middle East today, when Osama Bin Laden failed the time-honored cola test. Whereas cola tests used to focus on the ongoing arm wrestle between Pepsi and Coke, the recent emergence of Mecca Cola has thrown down the gauntlet to the traditional market tyro, Coke.

		The Bin Laden camp was extremely confident that their spiritual leader could pick Mecca Cola over Coca Cola every time, but the reverse proved to be the case. Upon removing the blindfold, the look of anguish on his face could not be disguised. But this soon turned to fury, and he began to curse ‘the infidel Coke’, claiming he had been tricked. However, this was a hollow claim, as the strict cola test rules require deputies for each contestant to personally inspect the subject beverages beforehand. Bin Laden’s deputies were ashen faced, possibly thinking ahead to the unpleasant trip home to their cave hideaway.

But Bin Laden’s wrath does not permit the truth to get in the way, as he unleashed a tirade against western beverages that burned the ears of all in attendance. It appears that Coke, Sprite and Dr Pepper are "puppets and slaves of American imperialism, to be crushed underfoot by the mujahideen in the coming spring". Milo, Horlicks, Lipton’s Iced Tea and even Evian are somehow implicated as well.

Whereas hearts sank in Dubai, home base of the increasingly popular Mecca Cola, there was jubilation in Atlanta. “We kick ass again!” and “U S A! U S A!” resonated throughout Coca Cola headquarters.

Meanwhile, US Army officials have refused to comment on reports that a large consignment of Coke has mysteriously disappeared from army stores near Tora Bora. “That’s classified information” was all we could glean from Mess Sergeant Zbiginew ‘Chuck’ Zamachowski. But was that a wink we saw as he turned to depart?