[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]
Yes, no; The Ashes are hurtling towards us. Test Matches may have been played in recent times, but for people on the Clapham omnibus and the Melbourne tram, they’ve been little more than curtain raisers.
Still, there has been some juicy excitement and intrigue. Most notably surrounding what has become known in small circles as “Hair-in-the-gate-gate”.
Ball Tearer
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For those who’ve been hiding in dirty cages, I speak of the Fourth Test between England and Pakistan at The Oval. Umpires Darrell Hair and Billy Doctrove officiating. It is Day Four with Pakistan in a strong position, though England’s batsmen are stubbornly resisting. The weather is brooding, overcast; the mood tense. A draw is possible. Umpire Hair examines the ball and frowns. He suspects that the quarter-seam has been raised, contrary to Law 42.3. Accordingly, the ball is changed and a five run penalty imposed. Play carries on till Tea is taken. After suitable refreshment, the umpires return to the middle to await the return of the Pakistan team. |
And await, and await.
Tea is tempting and delicious, but during the break the Pakistanis have been watching themselves on television. They notice that the commentators are intent on jumping up and down till they’re Scobie Breasley, or maybe even Googie Withers. The perceived injustice is heightened and the team recedes into deep, dark umbrage.
Eventually, fruitless discussions are initiated. The umpires remove the bails. The crowd is bemused. For the first time in Test history, a match has been forfeited.
Probe
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In the aftermath, some hell breaks loose and a probe is inserted. Pakistan are found not guilty of tampering but the forfeit stands, as does a charge of bringing the game into disrepute. Perhaps unwisely, Hair offers to resign if he is paid half a million dollars in unmarked bills. He now resides in umpire limbo. Many believe that it looks like it’s drapes for him, but he may see it through. Positions unfurl daily and as he puts it: “Retire? No. I’m bloody good.” |
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Writing of the bans
If memory serves you right, you will recall that the Taliban attempted to ban cricket on the understanding that it was an American game. Since their relative demise, the game has flourished and the Afghanis have even toured England. One can now legitimately dream of lounging in the dust as the sound of leather on willow complements the poppies swaying gently in the distance.
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Deranged prohibitionists are still causing bother though. In-play online betting is still illegal in Australia and the Western Australian government is attempting to outlaw online betting exchanges. Alarmed, crack mediator Harold Park rushed to Washington in a lobbying capacity. After making his presence felt in sleazy dives, he pleaded his case, explaining that without gambling and the Restoration, cricket may never have survived the 17th century. I interviewed him on his return. |
“Harold, were the Americans amenable to the idea of Regime Change in Western Australia?”
“No. They’ve just banned internet gambling there too.”
And finally…
Because no one can resist the odd tantrum, the essential Cricinfo/Wisden provides us with an entertaining collection:
http://wwwc1.cricinfo.com/columns/content/story/259894.html
http://wwwc1.cricinfo.com/columns/content/story/261101.html
The events and emotions of Hair-in-the-gate-gate are well described here: http://content-aus.cricinfo.com/engvpak/content/current/story/257055.html
