[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]

There’s a reason they call them ‘The Shaky Isles’

What can one say about this match, which was so rich in longueurs and languor? Langer’s yogic capers put me in mind of that more famous cheeky chappie: Max Miller, who asked: “Why did the chicken cross the road? … For some foul reason”.

There were a few plucky performances from the apteryxes, which as readers know are not really fowls, but there was not enough penetration. Vettori and Wiseman showed some skill and the captain briefly awoke from his sleeping sickness in the first innings, though he may simply have been gauching. One could hardly blame him.

Boofa’s return to form shows that he is obviously back on the booze and fags diet. ‘Max’ Gilchrist (as in Walker ) and ‘Our Warney’ tried to try to decapitate a few Kiwis while batting. With the successful banning of sixes in suburban Melbourne, the Health and Safety Department will be convening to discuss the issue of helmets for bowlers.

The main tension came from wondering whether Punter had batted on for too long in the second innings. Wagering types were closely watching the radar for the predicted rain, but were consoled by the relatively generous odds that this generated.

The shakiness of Kiwi cricket is causing stress among the citizens it seems, as is illustrated by the popular story “NZ woman pelts police with pickled kittens”.

Around The World

		In other news, the Captains of Test nations agree that AIDS is a bad thing and South African debutant Hashim Amla sports the best beard and spectacles combination seen for some time. [Ed. What a dashing fellow. About time someone explored ways of enticing the ladies back to the cricket.]

Prior to the Kolkata Test, a car ran over South African captain Graeme Smith’s foot. He opened the batting soon after, but was caught flat-footed at the crease for a duck.

Zimbabwe

The England tour to Zimbabwe is producing the usual political shenanigans. If confronted by a visit from the main man, Vaughan may be forced to shake Mugabe’s hand wearing a prophylactic batting glove.

In order to hear the rather catchy Zimbabwean national anthem, one can visit http://home.att.net/~kbulgrien/zimbabwe.htm. It also has the words, which end with: “May leaders be exemplary; And may the Almighty protect and bless our land”. Feel free to peruse his bottle cap collection too.

Bad Boys

My old favourite Saurev Ganguly is in trouble with the referee again, this time for dissent. His lawyers are possibly still on call, as they have just had his two match suspension overturned by the ICC.

Ex Pakistan Test captain and anti-PCB warrior Rashid Latif has been banned for six months for declaring his team’s score at 4 for 33 on the first day, then refusing to continue the Quaid-e-Azam Trophy match on the basis that the pitch was unfit. He was the captain of Karachi Blues.