How many seasons in a daze?

[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]

Chuck another effigy on the barbie - 2nd Test - Australia v Pakistan

At least Pakistan started encouragingly in this match with determined performances from Butt, Younis and Youhana. Then the problems started and illness, injury and madness set in, with their two man bowling attack being the honourable exceptions. Traditionally, teams visiting the subcontinent have suffered when their immune systems are weakened by an unfamiliar diet. It seems that the reverse may have happened here. Dizzy spells for Razzaq, with and without a mullet; bruising and damage for Sami and Shoaib ‘I like to muck around with pain’ Malik.

The flesh is weak and I can only suspect that some of the team have been illicitly eating Australian food. The results are not yet in, but the most likely candidates are beetroot, meat pies and kangaroos. Nor would I be surprised if there was more to The Sultan from Multan’s dodgy back than bad posture. A trencherman cannot live on samosas alone and who could resist such tasty fare?

After the poor result in Perth, the traditional Karachi effigy burn was duly held. Coach Woolmer later described this as ‘unhelpful’. When the smoke had died down, about 150 people crushed a television set, vowing not to watch coverage of the Pakistan cricket team's tour of Australia any more. They do have a point.

While Ed. and cohorts disported themselves in the ultra modern MCG members’ bar drinking real drinks - unlike the hoi polloi - I was watching the game on Channel Nine. The TV spruikers can be very persuasive, but until I see exactly what it can do for me, I will not be buying Warney’s record breaking shirt. However, I might be able to get a good price for his record breaking jockstrap on eBay. After all, a dim sim with an uncanny likeness to Darren Lehmann fetched a pretty penny there recently.

Another feature of the Boxing Day Test is the famous Melbourne weather and the associated sport of counting how many times the commentators say ‘four seasons in one day’. Attendees and TV viewers alike also have the pleasure of listening to the wit of the crowd. “Shoaib’s a wanker” seemed to have the necessary depth and nuance to warrant endless repetition.

		The Pakistanis weren’t the only disgruntled fans. Many Australians were also looking for a sacrificial goat to axe. All around the country the cry of ‘chuck another effigy on the barbie’ was heard, followed by the sizzle of a dimmie. Yes, I do mean Boofa.

The previously mercurial Shoaib Akhtar finally tried out his short run up in the second innings and failed to achieve lift off. Well, he did warn us. I hear tell that by this time the expression ‘Rawalpindi Ice Cream Van’ was being bandied about.

“To me by using the word mental confusion, the coach is labelling his players as mentally disturbed people and that is also the insult of the nation” - Javed Miandad.

South Africa v England - 2nd Test at Durban

An enthralling test match was played at Durban with South Africa just managing to hang on for a draw after accepting the final offer of bad light. South Africa started the match strongly, but England fought back bravely with Strauss again making runs.

Jacques Kallis had a very successful year, averaging 80 in Tests in 2004. Despite being his best year yet, South Africa coach Jennings is not impressed, making these comments before the match:

“I would rather burn Jacques out at 30 or 32, playing to the level I know he can play at, than drag him out to age 38 and have him firing at 50% for the next 10 years! I'm gonna turn on the heat, make or break him. No soft option. Treat people softly and they'll become soft."

Kallis managed 162 and 10 in the second Test, so the extra pressure from the coach is clearly paying dividends already.

Bangladesh v India – ODI Series

		Yes, it really did happen. Bangladesh beat India in their 100th ODI. The Indian team was resting a few players, but prior to the game the odds for an Indian win were at 1.02. Comeback king Khaled Mahmud performed respectably and may well be selected again next time. India promptly named a stronger team and won easily in the third and final game, but Bangladesh didn’t mind.