[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]
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The ravenously anticipated Ashes tour has finally begun and the prospect of further Australian humiliation is inducing copious salivation. Only those who’ve been sitting on a pillar in the desert can have missed the news of the biggest one-day international upset in the Cenozoic Era, when Australia succumbed to lowly 150 to 1 chance Bangladesh. |
Australia duly lost to England the following day, thanks in part to England’s new great white hope Kevin Pietersen, who flayed the shell-shocked bowlers. England then went on to trounce Bangladesh for the second time, though there is concern about captain Vaughan’s tweaked groin. The performances by the Australian team prompted The News of the World to describe them as 'roo-bish', though the UK broadsheets weren’t quite as triumphant. England expects though, in a generally understated way, and one can almost taste the schadenfreude that is starting to seep from English pores. In Australia however, one can hear the pitter-patter of dummies being spat, with many fans insisting that if it isn’t a Test match it doesn’t really exist.
Infants
Many theories have been expounded to explain Australia’s woes, including the impact of their new policies of fair play, no sledging and no late nights. Captain Ricky Ponting has indicated that nasty sledging jibes will no longer be tolerated, so it’ll be all 'jolly well played, sir' and ‘too good for me, china’, rather than the traditional gambits of ‘your wife’s flummery and upside down cake are delicious’, ‘youse are wankers’ and ‘I’m fat because your wife feeds me post-coital biscuits’.
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Australia have missed the lusty blows of Andrew Symonds, who’d been suspended for two matches for staying up way past his bedtime then turning up next morning with the smell of alcohol. As captain Ponting, a man who has been no stranger to a late night and a fight put it: "most of all he has let himself down". If Seventies star Doug Walters had been cremated, he’d be spinning in his urn, as he and many of his teammates were effectively fuelled by alcohol and fags. Pietersen’s late night cavorting hasn’t done him any harm though and has even inspired him to sport an eye-catching ‘skunk on head’ hairstyle. |  |
Drinking colleague and professional voice of reason, Les Miserables points out that the increasing infantilism of society was bound to end in tears. As Les puts it: “when I hear the expression ‘inappropriate behaviour’, I reach for my blunderbuss”.
Come in spinner
Despite their travails, Australia remain favourites to win the Ashes, with Southampton resident Shane Warne expected to turn the tide more successfully than Canute, when he joins the team for the Test series. Prior to being knocked off the front pages by the shocking events on the field, his media spin machine was purring along nicely, generating regular juicy headlines.
| First there was the seemingly casual and innocent banter based jibe from Hants colleague Pietersen suggesting that Warne may be going bald. This was later revealed to be yet another shrewd marketing exercise. Then there was the story that Warne had hung up his mobile phone, due to the danger of sexual texting, and now there is another non-text based so-called sex scandal. You can’t keep the man down. It is alleged that Shane suggested to a young lady that she join him, Pietersen and another for a foursome. The lady initially declined, but then decided to join Warney for ‘a root’ anyway. She promptly rushed to the press with this news and bemoaned his in-bed performance. Even though there was a suggestion of leather on pillow, pundits believe that it’s more likely to be a case of pulling stumps. |  |
Warne copes well with exposure and has recently had his portrait painted by Fanny Rush (sic), who claimed that she had to tone down his masculinity. So, there are no earrings, mobile phones or fags, but in comes unscientific shadows and meaty, allegedly reduced leg stump tackle. The portrait now hangs in the Long Room at Lord’s.
Old soldiers and going over the top
In order to get into the right frame of mind for the Ashes, the Australian squad decamped to Lille to visit the graves of Australian soldiers who were killed in the First World War. No tour is complete without such a journey. Steve Waugh led a similar expedition to the memorial in Gallipoli when he was captain in 2001, and it is hoped that visits to the sites of the Boer War and the ‘Boxer Uprising’ will be next.
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The Boxer Uprising involved the I-ho-ch'uan, aka ‘the Righteous and Harmonious Fists’. Australian forces took little part in combat, but did play a role in the restoration of civil order in China, including the shooting of Chinese insurgents by firing squad. It is anticipated that a visit by the Australians would promote the cause of Chinese cricket, which is currently under the aegis of the Sports Ministry’s ‘Small Balls Centre’. |
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Hijinks
England have taken a different approach to preparation with Matthew Hoggard learning to bowl with his eyes shut in an attempt to achieve perfect rhythm. Then ODI hopefuls Rikki Clarke and Owais Shah (who once had me in the front of his mini-cab) were enjoying driving side by side down the M1 at 125 mph, before they were pulled over by the constables. Bangladesh are developing other techniques with newcomer Mushfiqur scoffing popcorn and milk as his first breakfast course.
It’s not all hijinks though as there have been heavy pleasure crackdowns in England too, with Happy Hours being banned, presumably to avoid too much of that sort of thing. Drugs are being frowned on as well, with a number of past and present county players being described as a bunch of crack and tea heads. Warwickshire seem to be the main offenders, which goes some way to explain their great one-day success, despite ex-captain and sacked commentator Dermot Reeve being the sort of person who gives drugs a bad name.
The fact that there are currently no plans to outlaw drug hysteria is a major concern for Les, as he puts a cricket bat through the TV whenever it is showing one of those new fangled 1950s style drug delirium ads. "Elf and safety my arse" he spluttered, before musing that perhaps he should just learn to like the world as it is, over his dead body.
City of cricket
In other news, former Australian captain Steve Waugh plans to build a city entirely devoted to cricket in India. The West Indies at home were trounced by South Africa, who promptly sacked their coach. The West Indies then lost 3-0 to Pakistan in the ODIs, but managed to square the Test mini series against them. Pakistan were said to be riven by internal dissent at the time.
What’s a nawab to do?
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Former Indian captain and nawab, ‘Tiger’ Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi, after being incommunicado for several days has surrendered to police for allegedly hunting the endangered black buck. The police had earlier conducted raids simultaneously in multiple locations in search of Pataudi, who is almost blind in his right eye, but had failed to find him. The carcass of the endangered species of antelope was found in the boot of his car. |
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