The floggings will continue until morale improves

[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]

1st Test - Australia v Pakistan - Ooh Ah, Gnome success, Express pain

		Another thrashing alas, but ‘Just in’ Langer did prove again that he is an opening batsman of high quality. Speaking of the ‘Brown Nose Gnome’, my attention has been drawn to the murky events of ‘Gnomegate’ that occurred earlier this year. It transpires that a Cricinfo commentator coined this term to describe Langer’s supposed sycophantic ways. The jibe was destined to be lost in the sea of flippant quips, until the Langer management posse decided to popularise the nickname by taking great public umbrage at this slight. Why do some people fail to warm to this renowned motivational speaker? Surely it’s not tall poppy syndrome?

Since then, the erring journalist has been sacked, disembowelled and quartered, and Cricket Australia has stripped Cricinfo of their licence to provide live Australian internet commentary. I’m sure we are all familiar with the new-look CA commentary and their relentless catchphrase: ‘ The Cricket Australia website is currently experiencing a period of high load and your request cannot be processed at this time’. Considering that the only game in progress at the time was the extraordinary Pura Cup match between Queensland and Victoria, it is at least heartening to know how popular domestic cricket has become.

Glenn ‘Ooh ah’ McGrath continues to amaze. His extraordinary performances and adolescent grins make it easy to forget that he is about to become the second oldest leading Australian fast bowler in history. All the others, bar Lindwall, had retired by the age of 35, which for McGrath occurs in February. But rather than fading into twilight, McGrath has resurged to the top of the world bowling ratings, having just taken the second best bowling figures ever by an Australian. Just goes to show what can be achieved by being able to drop the ball on a five cent piece and move it around, seemingly willy-nilly.

		Now for a contrasting fellow. Shoaib Akhtar provided great entertainment as usual. Wickets, pace, solid defence, fielding injury, x-rays, recovery, exhausting run up, sweat, controversy, fines. All in one Test match. Is there nothing this man cannot do? There are calls for The Rawalpindi Express to reduce his run up, but even if that was a good idea, the middle of a Test series against the best team in the world is surely not the time to experiment. As Shoaib puts it: “I am like a plane which needs room to take off”.

He was also involved in the high comedy on day two when Pakistan were battling to ‘avoid the follow on’. Ponting and Warne pretended to be outraged that Sami & Shoaib were batting defensively, and even worse, not getting out. Well, I assume they were pretending.

Shoaib also lost 40% of his match fee for ‘pointing at the pavilion’ and may be forced to take on more modelling work to compensate. After a recent modelling assignment, he stated that: “I would also like to take this opportunity to do some social service like visiting a cancer hospital and playing cricket with the boys of an orphanage", so he’s a man with a plan too.

Meanwhile, Australia ’s ball slinger Brett Lee, who is also in big demand for modelling in Mumbai, will have even more time to work on his literary career as more drink waiting beckons. His latest work is an intriguing volume entitled ‘Toby Jones and the Secret of the Missing Scorecard’. The following ABC blurb gives a taste:

“Lee is co-author and provides the expert cricket advice that makes this book so cool and so believable. Toby is aware of the dangers of time travel, but can’t stop himself from going back to visit famous matches of the past.

Genre: A mixture of reality and fantasy.”

It is also claimed that Lee really does eat 7 weet-bix each morning.

We must now venture into the murky waters of mental trauma. Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer considered flying in an emergency sports psychologist to cope with his team’s mental confusion and awe, but was told that the only man available was his predecessor Javed Miandad, who had already packed his cat in the bag, so the idea is currently on hold. Miandad is quoted as saying: "Our players need to be told and coached things in a simplified manner”.

		Finally, I must face the painful topic of Inzy. When the ball clattered into his stumps in the first innings, my heart went cold and I was forced to take a long lie down in a darkened room. By the time he was out for a golden duck in the second innings I thought I had lost the will to feel, but the horror and woe of his mournful trudge to the pavilion managed to wring out a few more drops of suffering. Still, he may well fight back on Boxing Day. Inshallah.

Sth Africa v England – England waltz home at Port Elizabeth

Yes, it really is a record-breaking eight Test match wins in a row for England . New Surrey captain, Smokin’ Mark Butcher comes back to form when needed, as usual. He is a man of great economy, rarely wasting his energy making runs when it is not absolutely necessary. His painstaking 79 in the first innings enabled his team to build an important first innings lead, but there wasn’t much pressure on in the second innings, so a duck was all that was needed. Give someone else a go. Butch clearly doesn’t see it that way, and that is part of his charm. England won quite comfortably in the end, though they did have to race against the rain on the final day. There is now enough depth in their bowling for them to be able to dismiss teams without much of a contribution from paceman Steve Harmison, who seems to be still suffering from his famous homesickness. He might snap out of it in the second test though, now that Ooh Ah has taken his number one bowler rating. Andrew Strauss, whose recent batting, though not his personality, reminds one a little of Langer, made most of the runs again.

Who knows? England might even manage to take Australia into the fifth day in one of the Tests in the upcoming Ashes series.

Kiwi talk

Captain Stephen Fleming explains his recent poor form:

"I'm certainly not able to function 100%, because I sleep too much."

Coach John Bracewell explains the thinking behind his recent strategy:

"Philosophy is a big word and so are philosophies. They often come from different angles, different times and different places. It's a question that is like catching the wind. You can't answer it."

Bangladesh v India – some honour at last

Harbhajan’s in trouble again as his doosra has been reported as operating at an angle of 22 degrees. India trounced Bangladesh in the Test series, but at least there was a great innings from a Bangladeshi at last, with youngster Mohammad Ashrafal making an excellent and dashing 158 not out. Ex Bangla captain and man of mystery Khaled Mahmud is making his umpteenth comeback for the ODI series.