[Cricket, with the Lord of Byron]

ODI Series & First Test - New Zealand v Australia - Kiwi paste everywhere

Australia continues to pound the hapless, winless Kiwis, but New Zealand captain Stephen Fleming says he still believes that an NZ win is possible. Despite the fact his team has not tasted success over Australia in a Test since 1993, 31-year-old Fleming believes it can happen during his playing career. "It's got to happen once or twice, that's my feeling," Fleming was quoted as saying, though he also admitted that he is “sick of talking about Australia ”.

Australia polished off the Kiwis 5-0 in the one-day series then defeated them in the first Test at Christchurch, though the Test match was closely contested until NZ batted for a second time and capitulated for a miserable 131. It was spookily reminiscent of their heavy loss in Brisbane in November when they also collapsed in the third innings.

The architects of the demise this time were Jason Gillespie and uber-spinner Shane Warne, who picked up yet another Michelle (Pfeiffer 39 from 14 overs). Earlier, centuries from Simon Katich and Adam Gilchrist put Australia back into the match after they had started sluggishly. Gillespie had started the match poorly, but soon returned to good form, claiming his revival was due to the words of wisdom he’d received from former Test bowlers Colin ‘Funky the Pink-haired Goon’ Miller (sporting flamingo coloured hair) and Merv ‘Big Boy’ Hughes (sporting a handlebar).

Warne has now taken over 1000 first-class wickets, including 573 from Tests and has a handy lead over injured rival, Muttiah Muralidaran who has 532. Murali, who will travel to Chennai this weekend for his wedding, is currently working with his tsunami charity ‘The Foundation of Goodness’.

Warne is the first Australian to 1,000 since Graham McKenzie in 1971, but still has a long way to go to beat Albert Trott’s record of 1674.

Albert Trott was a ‘complex character’, who, while fielding, often supped ale provided by admiring spectators, but later in his career he suffered from dropsy and melancholia. He became an umpire in 1910, but by 1914, living alone in digs in Willesden Green, `Albatrott' had had enough. He wrote a will on the back of a laundry ticket, leaving his wardrobe and £4 in cash to the landlady. Then he shot himself.

Behind the scenes – Antipodeans in the news

Loves it over there

Meanwhile, Shane Warne’s media relations department has announced that he is selling his house in leafy Brighton, Melbourne to go and live in leafy Southampton, so that he can be close to Marbella. Warne, who is contracted with Hants until 2008, said that he “loves it over there” and "there is no real reason”. “I like it over there, my family enjoy going to Spain. My wife would love to live in Spain tomorrow.” However, soon afterwards, Mrs Simone Warne stated: "we're not moving overseas”. As The Australian puts it: “Her comments seemed to downplay Warne's announcement at the weekend that he intended to make England his home.”

Four tattoos

Ex Australian opening batsman Michael Slater has also been in the news, mainly for having appeared on TV’s ‘Alan Border Medal Show’ singing a patriotic song with a singer from a musical combo who go by the unlikely name of Cold Chisel. There have also been doubts about Slater’s mental stability after his suggestion that Brett ‘Look at Moi’ Lee should have been preferred to Jason Gillespie in the recent Test. Friends said they were initially concerned for Slater when they heard that he’d acquired four tattoos and split with his wife.

Well placed observers have commented that this misjudgement may have been influenced by Slater’s ‘feelings of impending doom’ and his avowed refusal to have drugs in his life. Lee had earlier called a press conference to announce that “he wants to be in the team” and his manager later called his omission ‘criminal’ and ‘a disgrace’.

Slater also referred to a match against Victoria where he was sledged from behind the stumps with a call of ‘tick’ from one player followed by ‘tock’ from another player, characterising him as a time-bomb waiting to explode. It is alleged that Warne was one of the sledgers.

I was chatting with locals Harold Park and Warwick Farm* about this and after asking them what they were going to do with their Pandaroos (a Chinese-Australian delicacy), I requested that they be Frank and Ernest about the super spinner.

They described this sledge as ‘a low act from a supposed mate’ and were of the opinion that the great man is a ‘two faced, thick witted, knob end, bonehead’ and opined that ‘no sledge was below him’. Warne remains possibly Australia’s most beloved sports hero since Phar Lap and I won’t hear a word against him.

*Not their real names

Overblown larrikin filming

Out of form in the one-day series, but finding his length when it mattered, New Zealand pace bowler Daryl Tuffey has been fined NZ$1,000 by NZ Cricket for being filmed in consensual sexual congress with a woman and a milkshake of unknown flavour while being filmed by two British backpackers, who have since allegedly gone underground. However, a witness has since stated that it was all overblown. He said "there was nothing happening” and “two Englishmen were just ‘larrikin-filming’ at the party”. The video was later downloaded onto a man's computer in order to free memory on the video camera.

The woman said to be in the video stated that she first heard news of the Tuffey videotape "when a rumour went around three weeks ago", but added: "I've never met him in my life”. The milkshake was allegedly still not answering calls.

Better than crap

There have been ‘goings on’ in country Victoria too. Allegedly. In the Leongatha District competition, Tim Clark, from visiting team Nerrena, has accused Inverloch of spiking their afternoon tea during a vital wooden spoon tussle.

Clark, who said “I thought, gee, this is pretty good - they usually feed us crap”, bolted five green-specked cupcakes and two team mates also partook.

Returning to the field following afternoon tea, one player, who may or may not have partaken of the delicacies, took nearly 20 minutes to put on his pads, but then realised they were the wrong colour and that he was the silly point. Others launched into hysterical laughter and fled the field during play to drink water and smoke whatever crack they could lay their green hued hands on.

"As far as I'm concerned it's all rumours and this is just a witch-hunt," the home side club secretary Ian Smith said. The three players, who said they had never used marijuana, said they did not know why they felt strange and assumed they had sunstroke.

Mr Clark said he was still light-headed after the match when he tried to put a kit bike together for a club fundraiser that night. "After a small lie-down I tried to follow the instructions but I was all over the shop. I was putting the handlebars where the seat was meant to be," he said.

The team are said to be grateful that mandatory drug testing was not in place, but many are clamouring for stricter afternoon tea security. It is alleged that some teams are even considering introducing sniffer animals, though there is some concern that they would scoff the lot. An unnamed killjoy was quoted as saying “Yes, it will be expensive, but nippers may have been put at risk of mental shonkiness. We’ll be sampling all afternoon teas from now on and when appropriate, getting players, officials and umpires of all genders to piss into little bottles.”

A spokesman for Inverloch was available for comment. He said that he’d be happy to piss in a bottle, “any time, any place, any size”.

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