Things you’d be mad not to know

One Day International series (Australia v NZ): Kiwis not so shaky after all

Australia were supposed to crush the Kiwis like ants, but instead of the whiff of formic acid, we had the confusion of an unprepared for tied series. As a result, the freshly minted Chappell-Hadlee (or should that be Hadlee-Chappell?) Trophy has no home. Current suggestions include Norfolk Island and Pitcairn Island, who should be keen to dabble in external affairs.

[Ed. In fact, preparations are now under way to place the trophy in truly neutral territory: a heavily guarded pontoon in the Tasman Sea , equidistant between the two capitals, Wellington and Canberra . This will be at 38 S & 162 E - yes, the ‘other’ 38th parallel.]

The series also no doubt reminded many cricket punters that rain can be the equivalent of the zero on the roulette wheel.

We were also treated to the sweet smell of excess in the form of the entertaining NZ coach John ‘frothy mouth’ Bracewell, who, after NZ’s loss in the second match, accused Australia of doctoring both the pitch and Hawkeye.

When conspiracy theories are being bandied about one should immediately reach for Ockham’s razor, and in this case, possibly the men in white coats with butterfly nets and straightjackets. NZ may have been the victim of a few dubious LBW decisions, but public dummy spitting is unwise. Of course, Australian sour grapes are not unknown. Two words: ICC chucking findings.

Australia seemed distracted and unable to accept that NZ could present a challenge. One more poor Australian performance and it will be time for the pundits to get their daggers out.

In case readers have already forgotten the series, here is a summary of a few of the quality moments:

Kasprowicz being rested for the 2nd ODI and the selectors insisting that it had nothing to do with ‘that over’.

Chris Harris tearing his rotator cuff and then batting bravely, but in the end futilely, with one and a half arms. His effort may not end up being as well remembered as Colin Cowdrey’s, who batted in plaster in a Lord’s Test after having had his arm broken by Wes Hall, but it did remind us that injuries can be good for the game.

According to one web forum, which seems to be exclusively devoted to sporting injuries: 'If a doctor fills the subacromial space up with local, then the player could get out and hit the ball around without feeling pain. Sure, he might rip his remaining tendon to shreds, but that is what you have surgeons for.' Sounds good to me and I look forward to it happening in the World Cup final. It just goes to show that you can never have too many drugs in sport.

Mark Richardson defeating Darren ‘Boofa’ Lehmann in the end of series sprint and then promptly retiring from cricket. He clearly thought that there was nothing more to achieve. Appetites are now whetted by the prospect of Lehmann versus ‘faster than he looks’ Inzy. One can’t help but be reminded of Cathy Freeman when one sees these lissom athletes in their figure hugging lycra bodysuits, exposing every bulge and wobble. Our sex kitten reckons that these races are the cat’s pyjamas, but she is a one.

The Pakistanis are coming – it would be bad not to know

Yes, the great man from Multan has arrived in Australia to lead his team in the upcoming Test series. Inzy, a man who likes to keep a low profile 'even in his own home', started life as a left arm spinner, but took to batting when he was called for throwing. By the way: never ask him if he wants a potato cake. He has no truck with being called cake. Nor should you greet him with a cheery ‘alloo.

Pakistan is probably the most erratic cricketing nation on earth, so we can expect big, juicy frissons of excitement. Shoaib and Sami have blistering pace, movie star looks and flowing locks for a start. Our sex slave reckons that Shoaib can hyperextend in these parts anytime he likes. Well, ‘sex slave’ is stretching it a bit. She’s really just working her passage.

And then there are the batsmen. On song, Shahid Afridi is an explosive sight to behold, but when not, it’s all bad.

Hapless Banglas – dangerous not to know

In Dhaka, the terrorist threats haven’t stopped India from ‘whipping arse’. Sachin ‘Gimme danger little stranger’ Tendulkar’s tennis elbow seems cured as he easily grasped the opportunity to be a flat track bully and in doing so recovered his form. Anil Kumble broke the Indian wicket taking record and Pathan showed his class. It does make one wonder why the handsome and talented Pathan was not selected for every Test against Australia. As Siddhartha Vaidyanathan puts it on Cricinfo: 'he has swerve and zing.'

Umpire of the week: the man in black and white

		Yes, it is the unruffled Jamaican Steve Bucknor. At first thought, one might be surprised to hear that he is a fan of the great, dead Johnny Cash; but on consideration, it makes perfect sense. The life of an elite umpire is a lonely, underpaid and difficult one. Endless nights spent alone in hotel rooms. Constant abuse and inhuman strain, through which they must maintain affable stoicism. They walk the line. They are familiar with burning rings of fire. Sure he makes the odd mistake, but think thrice before you bowl the first stone. Speaking of Jamaica, Steve reckons that she chose to do it of her own accord.