[Dr White and The Black Arts]

Shunned as an inferior form of culture, outdoor Christmas ornaments are now being recognised for the serious sculptural form that they truly are. It is regrettable that for decades these significant works have passed into history without proper recording, taxonomy, and stylistic analysis. Although many of these ephemeral works are regrettably lost to history as a result of scholarly neglect, it is possible, due to a recently more expansive notion of artistic practice, to give these ineffable works their due. It is in the spirit of a first attempt, and as a respectful tribute to the authors of these extraordinary pieces, that I have begun this all-important work.

Not enough has been written about the centrality of the common or garden goose in the narrative of the holy Christian story. Suffering for centuries from the unwarranted vilification that followed the unfortunate golden egg incident, geese have been excluded from the pantheon of friendly Christmas creatures. Until recently, that is. Now they can take pride of place among the legion of Santa's little helpers, which now includes penguins, Homer Simpsons, Kermit the Frogs & Berts and Ernies. Clearly the goose's downy feathers are perfectly adapted for north-pole conditions, and the addition of prosthetic arms will make the elegant goose-elf so much more helpful helpers in the big lead-up to Christmas day. Note also nude goose in rear.

		An intriguing perennial among the inanimate cast of today's Christmas garden pageant is the candy cane. This outsized walking stick sweet is often thought to point backwards to a childhood fantasy in which lollies sprout like flowers out of the ground. However, the candy cane also looks forward in time, creating pleasant associations with the inevitable need for mobility aids during the senior years. As our population continues to age we can expect to see sugared walking frames and toffee wheelchairs adorning the front of many a family home come Christmas day.

It has dawned on a number of contemporary artists that the real spirit of Christmas is not giving but heaving. It is for that reason that a new figure has been appearing on snow-dusted porches at the close of the calendar year - the angel of bulimia. Uncannily similar to the merry yule-tide figure of yore, this red-capped persona is not Santa Claus but rather the mascot of over-consumption. What appears to be a white beard is actually a strategically placed terry-towelling bib. His bulging, elephantine ankles, swollen blubbery limbs and tiny eyes disappearing down cylinder-shaped tunnels of fat pay homage to the vigorously pursued open slather that constitutes the blessed essence of Christmas.