As the frocked cardinals gathered in The Vatican’s Sistine Chapel to elect Herr Ratzinger as Pope, they were watched over by the tormented, writhing souls in Michelangelo’s antiquated fresco painting ‘The Last Judgement’. No doubt the aesthetic ambiance of the place had some influence over the decision. Given the reservations recently expressed about the wisdom of that choice, it is perhaps an opportune moment to consider the situation of Catholic art today.
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Pontiffs over the centuries have been renowned for their good taste. Pope Julius XXI didn’t need to watch Backyard Blitz to know that water features add a touch of distinction to any house or garden. Better still, 150 tonnes of granite and cement depicting nymphs, seahorses, river gods, dolphins and Venuses glistening in fifteen different colours, and with water gushing from every orifice. Over the centuries, the devout have shown their appreciation for these gargantuan, dribbling statues by flinging spare change into the stagnant pools that gather beneath them. |
When Catholics used to follow in the footsteps of the apostles, and make a living fishing the sea, an encounter with King Neptune was a real possibility. But what about today’s worshippers? Which of them will bump into a river god in their daily routine? Very few. If the Church is to expect broad support for increasingly anachronistic beliefs, it must put on a new face.
Fortunately commerce is showing the way forward. The Catholic Supply Company has proposed a new series of monuments for the Holy City based on popular children’s sporting activities. These winsome vignettes, enlarged in polychrome marble, gold and precious stones, will inspire a new muscular generation of young believers left cold by the prune-flesh, aquatic fantasies of octogenarian Popes.
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Outside St Peters we will see ‘If Your Hands Are That Cold, Put Them in Your Pockets’, a timely advisory to children both on and off the course about the stranger danger posed by even the highest office-holders in the church. Michelangelo’s famous sculpture ‘The Pieta’ will be replaced by ‘I’m Number One, Why Try Harder?’. This work shows Catholicism finally catching up with the Self-Esteem Movement, and radiating a more relaxed message about the observance of Christian doctrine in the modern world. With ‘Hey, Jesus, Can We Have Our Ball Back?’ the message is clear: if you start fooling around with other religions, like rap dancing or animal liberationism, don’t blame God if your soul ends up in an intercept. You can have it back when you have damn well earned it, bucko!