Our mission is simple: to build a temple, and then defile it. Let me explain. These times are no different to any other: you’ve got your birth, your life and your death. So why pretend otherwise? Think back and ask which events really mattered to you, despite how precious they seemed at the time. What will your descendents think in a hundred years’ time, or a thousand? Rat-a-tat-tat.
So what’s my point? Even if I knew I wouldn’t tell. So you’re here. But where exactly is here? Indeed, how do you know whether your location has a status at all? For that matter, where have you been? What if here is the new there, which may not have been anywhere anyway?
Confused? Don’t blame me, I only work here. Tired? Then enter a Tidy Towns competition. Bored? Polly want a cracker? But I digress.
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The mad and the bad are remembered, not the virtuous, the sad or the glad. The world is full of people paid big bucks to produce nothing. Then they sell up. Value added. Off they go on the motivational speaker circuit: “Inventor of the Perpetual Delegation Method (PDM), here tonight. Only $2,000.” Believe you me.
So here’s a tip, Jim: put yourself to sleep, and wake up on the other side. Where there’s only one rule: ‘be useless, and multiply’. You’ve found your way to the on-off-switch, onoffswitch.com, where we ‘take no pensioners’.
If you synchronise watches for no reason, we welcome you.
If ‘so what?’ or ‘who cares?’ are your favoured replies, we welcome you.
If you are without rhyme, or reason, we welcome you.
If you lie about your age, by claiming to be decades older, we welcome you.
If you believe everything you read in the papers, we welcome you.
If you’re a walking disaster area, we welcome you.
If you like doing things to the nth degree, we welcome you.
If your favourite song is ‘I’m dreaming of a Wide Isthmus’, we welcome you.
We welcome you with open alms. In an uncharted clearing in an unnamed forest, amateur oncologists dance with unemployed theologists. Water polo is declared the national language, while a mariachi band rests on its laurels. You’ve arrived, after a fashion.
Yes, Virginia, you’ve come to the right place: onoffswitch.com. The home of special feelings: special feelings for everyone.
Dr Johnson (Editor)